Simply Still

I've been spending a lot of time sitting lately. I'm still. Sometimes I think about things. Sometimes I just observe or listen to what's going on around me. Sometimes I just consciously breathe. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for something. 

After awhile, the sitting still gets a bit worrisome. Surely I have something important to do. There must be a million new posts on Facebook to check out. Maybe I should be in the kitchen planning something healthy to eat for dinner. I could do a crossword puzzle. Even watching TV seems like something a normal person would do in this situation. (though it's about the last thing I want to do.)  What about the incredibly annoying art closet that just won't seem to clean itself. Maybe I should jump into that...

Sitting still feels uncomfortable, but I also seem compelled to do it. I literally think I could sit in this chair all day without much effort. But why? Is there something wrong with me? I have all this free time...isn't there something I should be doing, reading, researching, making, or someplace I should be going? 

Meditation is helping me productively be still...and those times are very helpful and focusing. But what about all the other times I just sit. I don't feel depressed...though I did an awful lot of sitting when I was depressed. Right now I don't even feel tired. I don't want to nap. I just don't feel like doing anything. It feels too late in the day to start a project. I'm not in the middle of a book. It's somewhat "nice" outside for a change. I kind of just want to sit here and watch the cat. 

There's nothing pressing upon me right now. Which makes me feel like I should be getting ahead. Or worse...that going back to work in two weeks is going to be AWFUL because I'm so used to having SO MUCH time, and then I'm going to have what feels like NO TIME. Ugh. 

So, now I'm writing complete madness because I feel like I should be doing something other than sitting. I don't even have anything meaningful to write about. I'm writing about sitting still for goodness sake. Just so that I'm not sitting here doing nothing. The cat is chewing on her toes and playing with a dried up leaf. Sometimes she's very unexpected in completely normal cat ways. Just unexpected for her. 

I know, I will look back on this time and think to myself...remember those days when you had time to just SIT. And you thought there was something wrong with you because you just SAT. Are we so programmed to accomplish something all the time that we've lost the art of being still. Was that an art? 

"It’s pretty simple, actually: all you have to do is sit still for a little bit each day. Once you’ve gotten used to that, try doing less each day. Breathe when you feel yourself moving too fast. Slow down. Be present. Find happiness now, in this moment, instead of waiting for it.

Savor the stillness. It’s a treasure, and it’s available to us, always."  -Leo Babuta 

Simply Sad

Today we say good-bye to the best cat ever! Our brother bear, Leo, was not with us as long as we hoped, but he brought immeasurable joy to our family. Peace be with you on your journey over the rainbow, my sweet boy. May you find energy, happiness, and a lifetime supply of kitty treats and tummy rubs. We love you SO much. Thank you for blessing us with your sweet cat spirit!  

Simply Summer

My summer break officially started at 2 pm today. I handed over my classroom keys to its new occupant (my teaching partner, Kristen) and drove home with 17 years of teaching stuff packed into the back of my car. Strangely, I'm not sad. The time feels right for me to make some changes. So much is changing anyway, why not make a career change as well. 

But before I start a new teaching adventure, I have a summer adventure awaiting me. I want to do this summer right. I want to relax, do things that excite me, clean house (literally and a little bit metaphorically) and develop some healthier habits that will propel me into a new school year in August. It's always a little strange, the end of school/beginning of summer. So much potential lies ahead of me. Time is my friend. I have the freedom and flexibility to do almost anything I want. This summer, I want to spend time doing what makes me happier and healthier...which means spending less time doing things that don't. 

One commitment I will make is to DOING rather than VIEWING. Like many, I spend a decent amount of time scrolling Facebook and browsing on Pinterest.  I find myself constantly pinning new things onto an ever-growing number of pages...but rarely do I go back to a pin...rather I'm always pinning new ones. This same phenomenon happens on Goodreads as well. I spend time collecting more titles to read, rather than reading the multitudes I already have on my "to read" list. It's almost as if I'm afraid I will miss out on something great if I don't tuck it away somewhere. While I'm de-cluttering my actual house, my cyber world gets more crowded every day. So...starting today I'm on a e-collection ban. No more pins, no more titles, no more bookmarks. 

I suspect this will be a challenge for me. I have no idea how the process will go or if I will be successful, but I feel compelled to try, in an attempt to DO more than VIEW. 

Simply Deleting

This morning, I hit the delete button many times! And it feels good. In about an hour, I journeyed through every bookmarked web site on my Chromebook and deleted everything redundant, unimportant, unused and broken. What I was left with were some amazing sites that got lost in the madness. Now, everything is organized into folders that make sense for my life including: minimalism, Library (masters degree sites), faith, cooking, photography, writing, reading, relaxation and meditation, and hobbies. Hobbies seems a little vague and right now only holds a few sites about planting and growing succulents. I'm intrigued but would not really call myself a succulent addict yet! 

Many of my bookmarked sites were thrown into general categories, making them difficult to find. Others were articles or blog posts I'd saved for a specific reason and no longer needed. As I narrowed down the sites I wanted to keep, the folders I needed became obvious and now, looking at my Chrome browser, it feels like a tool, rather than a mind-numbing, time-sucking, device! 

If you're looking to clear some mental clutter, I highly recommend deleting and organizing your bookmarks! Jump bravely into the task. It was much easier than I thought and has renewed my interest in some ideas and activities that really matter to me. Good luck to you!

Simply Cyber

Losing myself in cyberspace is becoming an increasingly normal part of my daily routine. It's impossible for me to watch a television program or ride as a passenger in the car without tapping that red "P" or the blue "F" on my phone. Recently, I've found myself saving, pinning and bookmarking all manner of different sites and videos. Why? Some with the intention to show them to someone else. Some because I want to go back and read more carefully. Some because I see something particularly funny, interesting or amazing and surely I want to see it again at a later date.

Realization hit the other day, when I tried to locate a site I bookmarked recently. I almost never go back to the things I've saved, pinned and bookmarked. They sit there neatly (or not in some cases) organized waiting for me to make use of them as I intended. But they sit idle. Because every time I'm on one device or another I find myself simply browsing and adding more to the already jam packed items I deemed funny, interesting or amazing.

Summer is coming. End of the year (for a teacher and grad student) is upon me, and I'm envisioning how I will use my time this summer. As easy as it is to browse and bookmark, what a time waster. And what's the purpose behind doing it? Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I never tend to go back to things I've already picked out as being funny, interesting or amazing. Instead, I am constantly searching and adding more. Kind of like my old-school collection of cookbooks, many of which have never been used. There is short term entertainment and satisfaction in the collecting but no long term pay off. Perhaps it even adds to my stress level as I try to find what I really need amidst all the things I ever thought might be valuable to me. Additionally, as I browse through my kept craft ideas, articles and recipes...I feel overwhelmed and disappointed in myself that I seem to more of a collector of ideas than a doer or things.

So, this summer will be my summer of cyber change. It's time to simplify, prioritize and use or delete my cyber collections. Rather than adding more to a long list of items I will likely never use, I will spend this summer browsing through my current collections and using or losing what's already there. I'm not quite sure how this process will go. Right now it feels daunting and the perfectionist in me is trying to figure out the "best" way to do it. For now, I feel satisfied publicly declaring my intentions. Step one is to simply stop adding to my abundant collections. Simple? I'm about to find out.

A Simple Diversion

Today I told my husband that he will need to move into his own house when the girls leave for college because his need to consume and my desire to simplify by owning less, do not make good living companions. I'm trying to reduce, while he collects bargains that we don't really need. Lucky for him, one of the girls said, "You can come live with me dad. I like to collect things too." Argh!!

I've discovered over the past few months that simplifying is difficult when life is busy. The advertisers know just how to make you think that an extra crock pot really would help you get 14 dinners cooked in one four hour Sunday afternoon. An appealing thought when one's dinner choices after a 12 hour work day consist of KFC or Mexican take out from the neighborhood restaurant on the corner. Being busy makes me feel like I need more stuff; more things to help me stay organized, more things to help me get everyday chores done faster, more money spent on people to help me take care of all the stuff I already own. It's crazy when you stop to think about it. 

When I'm busy, I stop at the grocery store more often and purchase more things I don't need because I don't take the time to make myself a list or check the pantry before I go. I binge shop on Amazon and Zulily because I'm tired and it's easier to lie in bed and spend money with the push of a button than to get up and get moving. Lack of energy, for me, equals money spent. Spending money is effortless, requires very little mental energy, and makes me feel productive because I've accomplished ordering something that will be delivered to my door in a short 46 hours. 

No wonder people feel like they have to sell all their belongings, move the the country and live in a tiny house to finally relax and breathe. Living in the suburbs of a large city, and working a very hectic job add up to spending money... more often than not, to purchase things that we don't really need. 

Simply Traveling

Simplicity is not in my nature. I have to work at it. Which seems counter intuitive for someone who is trying to live a more calm, balanced, simple life. But whatever, I don't wake up every morning with a calm mind and a gentle focus for my day. Oftentimes, I awaken with at least 147 things running through my head, some connected to my daily to-do list, some random thoughts about something I don't need to think about for another 13 months...some trying to rectify a past issue. Like I said, simplicity is not in my nature. I have to work at it. 

Today I'm preparing for a trip. Which for me is anything but simple. And this one is a particular challenge because the girls and I are traveling without Dax. And we're flying, which the girls haven't done since before they turned 2. Oh, and did I mention that we're renting a car and driving over 7 hours to our final destination once we land. In my heart, I know I can handle it, but my head likes to mess with my heart a bit and today is no exception. 

If it was not for the itchy need to aim for perfection and to try so hard to prepare for every possibility, I would be a lot less mentally consumed this morning. But being a long distance car-traveler. I'm used to being able to throw in last minute items, to pre-purchase snacks, and to bring a variety of just-in-case items with me on the trip. I really don't want to hassle with over packed suitcases and excessive supplies with me on this trip. But it's hard to put the girl scout in me to rest. 

Take for instance the fact that I just spent 10 minutes contemplating whether or not I should take my yoga mat with me or plan or purchasing one once I arrived. It would be heavy and take up a great deal of space in the smallish suitcase I'm trying to stick with as I pack. Can I do yoga without my Chromebook? How will I access my classes? If I take my mat, I need to take my Chromebook. Which would be o.k...because I can write on my Chromebook. But then I need internet service for both of those functions and there really isn't a whole lot of service at my mom's house. So, is it worth it? Could I do my yoga without a mat and without an instructor? Could I write without my laptop? And what about the camera. Photography is supposed to be my hobby. I should really take my camera. But that will make my bag heavy, and then I'll feel obligated to drag it with me wherever I go. Could my phone camera be enough for this trip? Hmmmm...

You see the problem I'm having preparing for this trip. Simple and I are not often close companions.

But I don't want this trip to be about "stuff."  I want it to be a bonding time for the girls and me. I want to spend time in a part of the country that feels like home. I want to visit places we've never been before and enjoy the time I have there. I want to eat good food and take in what's around me. What "stuff," do I need to accomplish these things? Stay tuned...

Simply focusing

This morning during mediation, the instructor asked me to pay attention to the thoughts that break my concentration and to categorize the distractions. Whenever I'm doing yoga or meditating, I try to acknowledge my thoughts and let them go, but this was the first time I considered the source of my distractions.

My first distraction is within my physical environment and it's usually my pets. They either need out or in, want water or food, or simply want to participate in my practice with me...welcome or not. I often cannot do anything about my pets other than learn to tune them out. Even locking myself in a room just creates whining and scratching. My pets and I simply need to accept that yoga and mediation time is meant to be quiet. If I ignore you for a bit, I will make up for it later. 

My second category of distraction is, of course, planning. If there is ever anything that distracts me from being fully present in the moment, its my forward rushing brain, always flitting about from life domain to life domain in a feeble attempt to do what? I'm not sure. Sometimes, I think about work, which is more about guilt over not having completed something or guilt about not always putting work first. 

Sometimes, it's planning how to expand my yoga and meditation practice and how I can get more of it in. Funny thing that one. Here I am trying to get the benefit of my yoga and meditation and I'm thinking about why I don't do it more and how I could do it more in the future. This might possibly be my worst distraction. I wonder how many others get distracted by the future possibilities of the very thing they are trying to focus on doing. Might be a symptom of insanity...who knows. 

Then there's simply the, "What is my plan for the day?" distracting line of thought. That one is pesky and sneaks in when I try to practice in the morning. Occasionally a memory or two sneak in and send my mind wandering around in the past as well. 

I'm working on it. 

Guilt and judgement play a big part in my inability to focus. I've never been able to control my anxiety over opportunity cost and the desire to minimize it as much as possible. Part of this equation involves ruminating over the expectations of others which often conflict with what I really want to spend my time doing. 

But, I'm getting better than I used to be. I'm learning and growing and accepting my mistakes and missteps as opportunities to learn rather than berating myself and stressing out to the point of complete withdrawal. 

There's nothing simple about learning to focus. Time, practice, commitment, patience and priority. Simple, right?

Sneaky Simple

We just disconnected cable today, but shhhh...we didn't tell the girls. How did we pull off this deception with the tweens? Well, we didn't completely cut ourselves off. Through the Roku, we still have access to several services that stream movies and television programs. We can also access live TV from the major networks and several cable networks as well. Though we are still paying for these services, it's significantly cheaper than paying for regular cable. (Goal #1 of simplifying our technological life is to lower our monthly costs. ) 

These new changes give us access to fewer channels and we will no longer have DVR service. Though losing the flexibility to record programs initially stressed me out, I am trying to change my tune. True, I will no longer be able to choose the random hour at which to watch one of the 150 episodes I have recorded.  I will also no longer have 150 little irritating reminders of how little free time I have, calling to me and making me feel guilty. Half the time, when I watch a recorded program, it is to clear off room for more recordings, rather than because I really want to sit down and watch TV. (Goal #2 is of simplifying our technological life is to spend less time watching TV.) Having fewer channels, and no means of recording will force us to more critically analyze how badly we really want to sit in front of the TV. 

When Simple is Hard

It's hard to keep things simple during back to school time. For one thing, our relaxed summer schedule changes drastically. No more late nights, no more sleeping in, no more procrastination of things that need to be completed. 

For our family, everyone's schedule and responsibilities change as the new school year begins. Dad has to resume some of his household chores that he gets a break from during the summer. The girls have to add homework, sports and music practice back into their days. Mom has to go back to trying to balance classroom life and home life. Even the pets have to endure long stretches with no one home. 

Back to school time seems to be anything but SIMPLE. This year, I will be adding graduate course work to my to-do list. I feel the weight of complicated schedules and stressful days on my shoulders already. So, how am I going to work on continuing to simplify my world? Stay tuned and hold on...it may be a bumpy ride!

Simply Being Careful with Words

So far, my posts have centered around the cleaning out and simplification of our living environment, but today I was thinking about how simply my words, or even my tone with words can have a positive or a negative effect on other people. I know...I get strange thoughts in my head all the time. But lately I believe they are messages I'm meant to listen and pay attention to.

A few minutes ago, I passed by one of our two cat bowls and happened to glance down to find treats still in the bowl. Earlier this morning my husband, who was taking on my task of giving the cats their morning treats, asked me if they had be given any yet. I told him no and heard the familiar crinkle of the bag and plink of the treats as the fell in the bowl. Now, an hour or so later, I notice that he did not in fact give them cat treats...he gave them dog treats.

My first inclination, smart ass that I am, was to send my husband a text and goad him for giving the cats the wrong treats. I'm prone to sarcasm as a way to relate to people and come on...it says dog treats right on the front of the package. But something made me pause this morning as I went to pick up my phone. I stopped and thought about what that seemingly simple, message might say to my husband. Did I want to communicate, "Hey dummy...don't give the cats dog treats?" Did I want to communicate my lack of confidence that he knows the difference between cat and dog treats? Did I want him to feel regret for having helped out with the pets so that he might not want to do it again? Did I want him to think that I was panicking about the cats being fed something that was not meant for them? (Which I wasn't, but historically I might have reacted that way.) Did I want him to feel like I'm focused on his mistakes, rather than being thankful for his help?

No.

I didn't want to communicate any of those things, because I wasn't thinking any of those things. It was not a big deal. The treats are different than the usual dog treats and the same brand as the cat treats I usually buy. I know it was an honest mistake. Even if the cats ate a few, I know these treats would do them no harm. So the simple message I was about to text was unnecessary, and was likely to communicate all the wrong things.  I know this is a round-about (non simplistic) way to get to my point...but my simple lesson for today is that sometimes, I simply need to pause and think before I speak, text or email and decide whether what I'm about to say is really necessary. Will it send the message I want to send? Will in energize and lift the other person, or is it simple meant to get in a jab?

How's it Going?

Well, after an initial surge of energy cleaning out my own clothes, and a very productive session cleaning out the girls' clothes, we had 12 bags of clothes to take to Good Will, plus several to pass on to the cousins. We piled them in the living room, waiting for Dad to take his turn. 

A few days passed and I didn't clean anything out. 

Then, I almost felt like I was having withdrawal. I was itching to do more. My instinct was to open every cabinet, drawer and closet and start getting rid of things that I didn't want cluttering my space anymore. 

Then panic set in, when I walked into my closet to get dressed and realized just how much I was getting rid of. I looked briefly for a well-worn, beloved pair of comfy shorts, and sighed deeply as I realized that I threw them away. Shorts with holes, while comfortable, are no longer a part of my pared down wardrobe. 

At least I never thought about digging into those bags of clothes to pull anything out. It didn't get that bad! But just to be sure, it was time to move them out of my living room. 

The girls even got into the process, offering (without me asking) to take the bags to the car. All 12 of them!! 

So the next category of items I decided to tackle was BAGS and PURSES. My girls and I are a little addicted to collecting items in this category. Here's a look at the initial pile as we scoured the house, looking high and low, for all our carry-alls. 

The pile got much bigger, but in the end, we were able to pick out the items that are most used and are most useful. As soon as I finish a category I feel relief and panic at the same time. (A little strange, I know.) I'm amazed at how much "stuff" we have accumulated over the years. Most of it is stuff that we did use at least once. The thing is, with the exception of a few of these bags that were purchased because of a NEED (like a backpack for school) most of them were unnecessary purchases, made strictly because the item was cool, or pretty or fun. 

When I started going through items, making my donate pile, I hesitated at times. "That bag is really pretty." "I have one that matches that." "I really enjoyed using that bag for youth group." I had to force myself to focus on the bigger picture here. We simply DO NOT NEED most of this stuff. It would better serve others. And I noticed that something happens when you weed your stuff down to just the things that really matter. Decision making becomes easier, the purpose of specific items becomes more clear, and because we no longer have 75 bags and purses, we now have A place where they belong. No more shoving them in every last closet and under every bed in the house. 

Our simplifying is going well. On to the next category...which may be a location...the DREADED art closet!

The Why Behind the Madness

7 bags of Mom's clothes ready for Good Will

So, why the urge to simplify our lives? And won't simplifying actually be kind of complicated? Maybe, but I'm willing to take the plunge. I actually have thought through the "why" of it all. I'm sure my thinking will evolve, as it usually does when I jump into something. However, here are some of my initial thoughts about the "Simplification Project."

1. I really want to pare our possessions down to the things we truly want and need. Straight up, we have too many things. Things that sit and gather dust, doing nothing to enhance our lives at all. I'd rather pick out the things that are important and share the excess with others. 

2. Honestly, I'm tired of not knowing where things are when I need them or forgetting about things we have and then inadvertently buying more. We are the kind of family who has at least 3 of everything, spread around the house for convenience. But, it's not convenient to have three of everything when no one ever puts anything away and nothing is ever in its place. When we take for granted that a pair of scissors is only 5 steps away, it makes us more likely to be complacent about returning items to the place where we found them. The inability to locate things in my home prevents me from tackling tasks and projects because I know that I'll either have to spend a great deal of time trying to locate what I need, or a great deal of money going out and buying things I may already have. 

3. Looking at my crowded, messy spaces stresses me out. The nagging feeling that I should be organizing prevents me from focusing on the things I really want to do. Being more organized will make cleaning more simple, freeing me up to spend time on my hobbies and passions. 

4. I want a living space that reflects the things that are important to us. Per yesterday's post, I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what kind of life I want to have. I'm hoping simplifying will make it all more clear to me and to my family members as well! I've reached a point in my life when I want to free up more time and space (and money) to dedicate to experiences, rather than  THINGS. 

So, that's a little background on what's driving this new mission of mine. I started the project by weeding out my clothes. I took every clothing item I had and made a decision about whether or not I really loved it enough to keep it. In the end, I probably cut my entire wardrobe by 2/3. I felt really good when I first finished this task; but, I nearly had a panic attack when I walked in my closet to get dressed this morning and realized how much I'd given away. I'm going to stick to my decisions though, hoping that the greater rewards are worth it. Now on to the clothes of the other members of the family! 

Today is the first day

For some time now, I've felt a longing to simplify. Simplify our schedule, simplify our home, simplify our tasks, simplify my anxious brain that spins all the time.  It may sound crazy, but I've spent a lot of my life collecting things and ideas...making plans, but never really doing anything with them. Now, at 40, the realization that this is my only go-around has finally hit, but unfortunately I'm still not sure who I am or what I want to be.

What do I value? What is important to me? How do I want to spend my time? What makes me happy? These seem like questions that should not be difficult to answer after 40 years. How many times in my life have I muttered the words, "I wish I was the kind of person who..."

• watched less TV.
• was part of a book club.
• had more girl friends.
• did yoga and meditated.
• cooked simple healthy meals.
• loved my job.
• had an organized house.
• was a gardener.
• spent more time outside
• camped and hiked frequently.
• had pet rabbits.
• played an instrument.
• could leave my work at work.
• lived only in the present.
• could manage my finances and be debt free.
• was good at home remodeling/repair.
• made my own bread.
• liked to run.
• played tennis.
• was o.k. with conflict
• was a morning person.
• still spoke French
• had time to improve my photography.
• valued experiences over things.
• lived in a university town.
• traveled extensively.
• was more patient with myself and those around me.
• was more proficient with technology.

The list could go on and on. What I've come to realize is that I do have some control over this list. I don't have to wish to be any way...I could actually choose to become who I want to be. But before I can do that, I have to make some changes. I have to discover which of the things on my 40 year long list are still important to me. Which things will enhance my life and that of my family by bringing me joy and making me a stronger more content person. 

Thus, my urge to simplify my physical world, in the hope that cleaning out and organizing my literal environment will help me clear my metaphorical space, enlighten my mind and make clear my path to contentment. 

Wish me luck...and God bless my family because, like it or not, they are on this journey with me. They just don't know it yet!